I hate your face
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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