there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
