Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
