you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
