i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
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