my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
