Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
