I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
