I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize