i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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