i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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