I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
barbara walters just said penis...
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
