yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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