I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
