If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
