on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
