It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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