Pants 0. Shit 1.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
