Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
