I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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