Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
one might say we're banned from that church
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
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