HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
