I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
