Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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