You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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