you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You are a genius and a whore.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize