No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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