Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
