So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
