4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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