3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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