Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize