i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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