I'm passing your future prison.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
