my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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