I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
