I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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