Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
