Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
