pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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