he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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