I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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