So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
