it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
