Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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