My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
