I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
