Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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