You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
