Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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