So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
