Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
