She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
