I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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