I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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