I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
