So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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