I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
