toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
