How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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