In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
The uberlube is also flammable
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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