Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
